PenisPaddles by Instynctive

So what is a PenisPaddle? Simply put, it is a handmade wooden paddle, the striking surface and handle shaped like an erect penis. But not just any penis, mind you; it’s shaped like mine, creating one of the most unique ergonomically-correct and comfortable paddles on the market.

PenisPaddles are salvaged wood from old pallets. This keeps my overhead and materials cost low to non-existent, and recycling is never a bad thing. This also means that it’s a grab-bag of what you will receive, wood-wise.

All PenisPaddles are finished the same way in order to maximize wash-ability as well as to showcase the beautiful woodgrain. I will not paint or stain them, ever. If you see one that’s painted or stained, it is an imposter and not an OFFICIAL PenisPaddle.

Each paddle is tested first on my beautiful and spankable morsel for rigorous quality control and assurance purposes. And it’s fun.

PenisPaddles are guaranteed for life. If one breaks while you’re using it on a person (not your ex’s car or a cinderblock or zombies during the apocalypse.. okay, maybe on zombies, but I’ll want pictures), send back the broken one and I’ll send you a brand-spanking new one. But let’s be real... you’re not going to break one of these on a person.

Cleanup is easy! Wipe down with a damp cloth with warm water and mild detergent then let air dry. My “patented” secret finish (okay, so it’s not really “patented” or a secret, but it sounds cool) is designed to repel water and most bodily fluids, and according to some websites, is food-safe, but don’t quote me on that.

Enjoy your PenisPaddle! If you have any questions, comments or wish to make an international order, please Contact Me.